Marcie and Rick were newlyweds. They had only been married 7 months and now it was Christmastime. One evening during dinner Rick said, “I’d like you to begin thinking about all the places we can carol on Christmas Eve. Marcie was astonished and replied, “Caroling on Christmas Eve? You’ve got to be kidding! I don’t want to do that! I want to stay home and make the special Christmas pie my mother always served fresh each Christmas Eve after Dad read from the Bible.”

Coming from two separate families, Marcie and Rick had very different Christmas traditions. What’s the solution?

This young couple needs to sit down together and talk about Christmas traditions. To avoid misunderstandings and disappointment Marcie and Rick could make a list of both families’ traditions and decide which ones they want to continue. Then they should discuss possible traditions they’d like to begin. Newlyweds, starting their own families, have a wonderful opportunity to create traditions of their own.

Here are some ideas:

Mom dreaded the hour before six year-old Ashley got on the school bus each morning. Which outfit Ashley would wear to school was the subject of a heated debate between mother and daughter, every day.

Ashley was extremely opinionated and clothes-conscious. Her outfit was of utmost importance to her and it seemed to Mom that instead of outgrowing this fanaticism about clothes, Ashley’s clothes fetish was getting worse as she got older.

Moms - can you relate to this? Have you ever had to deal with it? What do you do?

Dr. Paula Fellingham (“The Joy Lady”)

It’s that time of year again, and Moms are feelings overwhelmed. Christmas trees need to be bought and trimmed; homes need to be decorated; presents need to be purchased and wrapped; school plays, musical concerts and company parties consume our evenings. The list goes on and on....this is a busy time of year! In their efforts to be “perfect moms” some women simply dread Christmas, with its worries and work. I’d like to suggest that moms CAN “do it all!” Do you agree?

It’s a sort of a trick question, but yes, I believe Moms CAN “do it all” at Christmas... all that they CHOOSE to do.

The secret is to choose to do what you want to do, and don’t even try to do the things you don’t like. Ask yourself, “What do I enjoy doing?” Instead of reacting to everyone’s expectations, be in control and choose.

I often meet women at my seminars who ask excellent questions. I dedicate my blog entries to those who want to live more joyful lives and need some assistance and solutions… women who want to make positive changes in their personal lives and/or as mothers. I address the most frequently-asked questions asked by women across America. Here’s one:

Question: “Do you have any tips to help me with my blended family?”

Here’s a common scene: For Karen it was the best of times, and the worst of times. She was newly married and loved Jim with all of her heart, yet he had two teenage daughters who were challenging, to say the least. Karen understood why the girls were insecure - after all they had been through - however they were so disobedient! As the new “Stepmom” it seemed she could do nothing right. The teenagers were always upset.

What are some solutions for this new bride with new challenges?

Here are four solutions to help make Karen’s life easier:

I met women at my seminars who ask great questions. I write my blog entries to those who want to live more joyful lives and need some solutions… women who want to make positive changes in their lives as mothers. I address the most frequently-asked questions asked by women. Here’s one:

Question: “How do you handle passive aggressive teenagers?”

Here’s a common scene: Dad came in the back door after a long day at work. He was exhausted. As he hung up his coat, Dad could hear the television. Fifteen year-old Michael was watching television, as usual. Dad didn’t like this. Michael should be doing his homework, or cleaning his room - or doing something productive with his time. Dad went in to Michael and said, “Son, you need to clean up your room.” Without taking his eyes off the television, Michael answered, “Sure, Dad.” But he didn’t move.

How would you handle this?

I meet women at my seminars who ask wonderful questions. I dedicate my entries to those who need some assistance and solutions… women who want to make positive changes in their personal lives. I address the most frequently-asked questions. Here’s one:

Question: “How Can I Talk So My Children Will Listen?”

Here’s a common scene in AnyTown, USA:

Marie called, “Kids - it’s time for dinner!” Then she waited. Nothing happened - no one came into the kitchen. Again she called - “Jenny....Bill.....Suzy....it’s time for dinner!” Silence.

Marie was convinced that her children were parent-deaf. It seemed like every time she asked them to do anything her children tuned her out.

Here are 10 Ways to Talk So Your Children Will Listen:

1. Use a kind tone of voice. It isn’t always what we say, but rather how we say it that makes all the difference. Send a message of caring and kindness when you speak.

2. Address children by name, and treat them respectfully. Say, “Melissa, will you please....”

3. Be brief. Use the one-sentence rule. The longer you ramble, the more likely your child is to become parent-deaf. Too much talking is a common mistake.

Do you know what makes me happy?

Helping others live more joyfully. One of the ways I do this is through my seminars and presentations. Invariably, at the conclusion of an event many parents ask questions about their personal parenting challenges. Here’s one I received recently:

CHALLENGE

Thirteen year old Janet came in from school with a long tale of what went wrong that day. Mom was exhausted from being up most of the night with Janet’s sick brother, and Mom had also put in her regular part-time day working at the hospital. Additionally, she was in a bad mood because of problems at work. Mom didn’t want to listen to Janet go on and on. In exasperation Mom said, “Janet, give it a rest. Your problems are so insignificant, you have no idea how much I don’t care.” Janet stared at her in disbelief, then ran to her room, crying.

Immediately Mom knew she had blown it, and she felt like a lousy Mom. But she just didn’t have it in her to go after Janet and apologize.

What’s the solution?

SOLUTION

Time is a magical healer. My guess is that after Mom has had awhile to think about it, she’ll be able to go to Janet. When she does, I would suggest that she quickly apologize, and then talk to her daughter about looking through windows instead mirrors. This is how I would say it:

“Honey, I love you with all of my heart. I’m very sorry for what I said in the kitchen. There is no excuse for my behavior, and I want you to know that I shouldn’t have acted that way. I want to talk to you for just a moment about mirrors and windows. Is that OK?

In my blog posts I address the most frequently-asked questions I receive at seminars and in emails. Here’s one:

Question: What can parents do to help children like each other - let alone love each other?

Here’s the scenario: Siblings twelve-year-old Janet and ten-year-old Mark were at it again. Mom could hear them fighting outside. “You always have to have your own way, don’t you?” Mark yelled. Janet screamed back, “Yeah, I do because you’re so stupid you can’t even do it!” Mom didn’t have any idea what they were quarreling about, she just felt heartsick when she heard them going at it, again.

Answer:

As children grow up, the people they have the most slumber parties with, share vacations with, and spend the most time with are their siblings... and they don’t even choose them! It’s true that sometimes brothers and sisters have very different personalities. They don’t like the same things and they think very differently. But they’re in the same family, and often their differences, and the way they handle their differences, causes challenges and creates contention.

Here are 3 solutions:

Recently I worked with a sweet woman who had a challenge. I believe other women, with similar problems, may appreciate and benefit from my advice. Here’s the challenge:

Janet, a 39 year old divorced mother of three is unhappy most of the time. She asked, “How do I let go of the negativity from my past? I keep thinking about the mistakes I made and the people who hurt me. How do I release myself from the past?”

Here’s what I told Janet: Everyone 30 and older regrets a ton of stuff – mistakes we’ve made, things we’ve said, ways we’ve handled relationships. We’ve all had painful experiences that we can easily recall. And well-meaning people (relatives, mostly) tell us to “just forget about it!” But how?

I'm always amazed at how alike women are! No matter what our age, we have similar problems. Older women are looking for ways to re-invigorate their lives, career women want to be appreciated, and moms are looking for parenting solutions that work.

But we all want to be happy, loved, and feel like we’re making a difference.

Yesterday a young mother shared her heart with me and said, "I want to be a stay-at-home mom, but everything is so expensive now days I have to work outside the home and it just kills me every morning when I leave my kids!"

Feeling her pain motivated me to write this blog, because there’s something you need to know about. It’s a new company called "Cheerful Noise" (CheerfulNoise.com) and it’s designed especially for you. If you're a mom who wants to stay home raising your children, and you're looking for a wonderful way to make money, this is it.

Today I’d like to share a story about how our thoughts and beliefs create our realities. Often, the first step to becoming your best self is simply to get yourself out of the way.

Michael despised his cubicle. He was envious each morning as he passed the offices with doors, occupied by executives behind large mahogany desks. Michael wanted a promotion, but it was a wish, not a goal. A wish is a goal without the “do” and without the deadline.

One evening Michael expressed his discontent to his wife. She quickly reminded him that he should be grateful for his job and be content. “Don’t make waves,” his wife counseled. “We’re fine the way things are. Don’t do anything that might put your job at risk!”

The next day Michael repeated her words in his mind as he walked by the executive offices. And he thought, “She’s right. I’m not smart enough to get promoted, anyway.”

In response to the many questions I receive in my seminars I’m beginning a series of blog posts about “How To Create Positive Change in Your Life”. This post is the first in a series of twelve.

Creating positive change in our lives begins with understanding the principle of choice ~ of agency. The principle of choice makes change possible.

I remember the very moment it happened for me. I was sitting in the front row of a seminar when the speaker quoted Eleanor Roosevelt. That great lady said, “No one can make me feel inferior without my consent.” I remember thinking, Wow! That means that we allow people to offend us. We allow people to make us angry. Our reaction to people and our circumstances is our choice! And then my mind took it a step further and I thought, That means that if we can allow people to make us angry, we can refuse to be offended, or angry…

Time actually seemed to stand still as I pondered, then understood, this incredible concept: We can respond to others and to our circumstances however we choose. And I realized that the time had come to take control of my life. I’ve been working on perfecting this principle in my personal life for three decades now.

This is the second in a series of posts about “How To Create Positive Change in Your Life”. I’m excited about sharing this powerful story because although it’s familiar to many, the lesson to be learned is truly life-changing.

The year is 1945...you are in Auschwitz, Germany imprisoned in a concentration camp whose horror defies description. Your entire family has been killed. You’re a Jewish psychiatrist named Viktor Frankl.

The guards have stripped you, beaten you, starved you and deprived you of sleep. And yet, you live on, determined to somehow create meaning out of this horror.

As you are experiencing this hell on earth you come to this incredible understanding:

This is the third in a series of twelve blogs about “How To Create Positive Change in Your Life”. This story is about Marlene – she didn’t get it.

Marlene was furious at David, her husband. It was 7:30 at night and he still wasn’t home. She had made a lovely dinner and had prepared his favorite dessert. Marlene and both children had waited until 7:00 o’clock, but they finally gave up and ate without him. With each passing minute Marlene became more angry. She complained to the children about their father’s irresponsibility, and after dinner she impatiently paced the floor. When David finally arrived, Marlene exploded with a flood of accusations and belittling remarks.

Was Marlene’s behavior justified? Maybe David had promised to be home at 6:00 pm and this was the fourteenth time he was late. Maybe it was the first time - that doesn’t matter. The question is, should David’s behavior determine Marlene’s reaction?

Here’s the fifth blog in series of twelve called “How To Create Positive Change in Your Life”.

We’re going to go straight to learning a key skill. This may be the most important thing you learn today. I’ll teach you how to control your thoughts.

There are three steps: label; replace; focus forward.

LABEL

Label your negative thoughts the moment they enter your mind. Like this:

• “That was negative.”

• “That was unkind.” (critical)

• “That wasn’t like me…I usually don’t think negative thoughts.”

REPLACE

Replace your negative thoughts:

Replacing negative thoughts is best done by trying to ‘be’ the person you’re thinking about, with his life experiences, needs and desires. This requires you to put yourself in the other person’s position and consider why he’s speaking or acting as he is.

• “I can understand why she’s doing that...it’s because she...”

• “If I understood her better, I’d probably like her more. I’ll get to know her.”

• “Hey - different strokes for different folks!”

FOCUS FORWARD

This is the seventh blog in series of twelve called “How To Create Positive Change in Your Life”.

One of the things I’m discussing in this Blog Series is How to Create Your Own Joy and Confidence. The first critical key is gratitude. We discussed gratitude in Blog #6 of this series.

The second way to create your own joy is to offer love and kindness to others.

Be others-centered.

Mother Teresa said, “Spread love wherever you go. First of all in your own home. Give love to your husband, your wife, your children, your next door neighbor. Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness. Kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting.”

The third way to create your own happiness is to be flexible and cheerful. Our ability to adapt well and be cheerful is an indicator of our strength of character.

For several years, on our refrigerator at home was this saying: “Be pretty if you are. Be witty if you can. But be cheerful if it kills you!”

Usually, if our face smiles (even when we’re not 100% happy) our heart will follow.

The fourth key is happiness is to be passionate about something. People who open their eyes each morning and immediately look forward to something that they’re passionate about are usually interesting folks who focus on the positive.

My son David – an All-American swimmer - got up every morning at 4:45am all through high school to work out in an outside pool. Even in sub-zero weather. Why? Because he loves to swim and because competing in his sport of choice sings to his heart. What sings to your heart?

We need to schedule time for things we love doing - you can give love better from your overflow – so fill your cup! In my book “Believe It! Become It!” I talk a lot about how to do this.

The fifth key to creating your own happiness: Use Positive Self-talk and Healthy Self-fulfilling Prophecies.

We want to turn self-talk from negative to positive:

Instead of negative self-talk like this:

In my previous two blog posts I discussed the ten ways we can create our own happiness. I’d like to review the eighth principle and give two examples, then provide principles nine and ten in this post.

#8: Ignore Your Negative Thoughts

We all have thousands of thoughts each day. Some are going to be positive and productive, and others will be worrisome, fearful, covetous, etc. The question isn’t whether or not you’re going to have negative thoughts – we all do - it’s what you choose to do with the ones you have.

You really only have two choices. You can either worry about them, analyze them, think more and more about them, or you can dismiss them; let them go! When you have a thought – that’s all it is…just a thought. It can’t hurt you without your permission.

Think of your negative thought as a match which has just been lit. You can either blow it out immediately and stay healthy, or you can let it burn, hurt and scar you. The choice is yours.

Let’s look at two examples:

Karen, painfully shy, was completely convinced that her introversion and her low self-esteem were her parent’s fault. Karen bitterly explained, “My parents didn’t do a very good job, and that’s why I’m a social failure.”

Karen let the negative thoughts fester and wound her; convincing herself that she should indeed be unhappy. Instead, she should realize that although her childhood was difficult, IN THIS PRESENT MOMENT SHE HAS A CHOICE and can direct her thoughts.

Another example:

I created a series of twelve blogs called “How To Create Positive Change in Your Life”. This is number nine.

Let’s talk about another skill that can help you change your core self beliefs. I call them Confidence Concept Cards.

Let me tell you about my friend - a previously struggling and now highly-successful salesperson who made this idea work for her. She put 3x5 inch cards where she could easily see them - on her bathroom mirror, her desk at work, in her car (on the visor), and in her planner. These cards were Confidence Concepts that affirmed her goodness.

“I am a great salesperson.”

“I radiate confidence and kindness to everyone.”

“I am a loving wife and patient mother.”

“I am organized and efficient at work and at home.”

“Nothing is impossible because I’m successful in every area of my life.”

Can this type of positive input, read regularly and believed sincerely can have a powerful impact on your level of confidence?

The third belief I discuss in my book “Believe It! Become It!” is this:

“I Become My Ideal Self By Vividly Imagining and Acting As If”

Before we can talk about becoming our ideal selves we need to understand the importance of setting high, achievable goals. Every successful person I know sets both long and short-term goals.

George Bernard Shaw said, “Some men see things as they are and say, ‘Why?’ I dream of things that never were and say, ‘Why not?"

Carl Sandburg wrote, “Nothing Happens Unless First a Dream”

Our challenge? To turn our invisible dreams into measurable realities.

Imagine a pilot coming over the intercom and announcing: “I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is we’ve lost one engine and our direction finder. The good news is we have a tail wind and wherever we are going we’re getting there at a rate of 600 miles an hour. People often fly along like that – directionless, but being pushed swiftly along by the winds of circumstances.

I love the story about the time Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes misplaced his ticket while traveling on a train. Watching him fumble through his belongings and pockets in growing frustration, the conductor said, “Don’t worry about it, Mr. Holmes. I’m sure you have your ticket somewhere. If you don’t find it during the trip, just mail it in to the railroad when you reach your destination.” Holmes looked the conductor in the eye and said, “Young man, my problem is not finding my ticket. It’s finding out where in the world I’m going!”

I’d like to share with you my 7 Steps to Success re: going from where you are to where you want to be.

1. Choose Only Those Goals You Deeply Care About and Are Absolutely Committed to Achieving

The more deeply you are convinced of the absolute necessity of reaching your goals, the more tenacity you’ll exert as you work toward them.

How do you decide on your goals?